Changing Thoughts

I woke up today feeling like it was going to be one of those days. Although it is a gorgeous day outside, I felt angry that I couldn't enjoy it like I really wanted to since I am going to be stuck at work all day (and night). Needless to say, I wasn't in the best mood.

I have to remind myself that I can change the way the rest of my day goes. I don't have to be in a bad mood. I have to choose the positive in any situation. But I am realistic and know that this is not an easy task for me. I tend to ride on the negative train more than I would like. What I am learning though, is that I have to make my most dominant thoughts positive. I have to literally change what I am thinking about. Right now that means reading a good book, making coffee, cranking up the radio, thinking of something that makes me happy or something that I am looking forward to, and saying a little prayer.

We'll see how this goes today.

An Unpleasant Surprise

I hate it when I run into people at the grocery store, especially if I am there in the morning. I usually just run up there, with no makeup on, with whatever clothes I just happened to throw on. And it never fails that I run into someone I know. Today was no exception. I was in line to check out and saw a girl Mike and I know. I hardly recognized her, but the one thing I did notice was her BIG belly. Her BIG PREGNANT belly. Instantly, I started tearing up and it felt like all of the wind had been knocked out of me. Literally, I could not breathe. I had forgotton--she told Mike she was pregnant not long after we found out I was pregnant. So, I kept looking at her and thinking, "That should be me right now." I could not get out of there fast enough.

I don't want to sound judgmental, or get on my high moral soap box, but why is it that this girl, who isn't even married, gets to be pregnant and have a baby, when I can't? I know--I am supposed to be looking at the positive side of the situation. Without my miscarriage I wouldn't be working on my relationship with GOD, strengthening my prayer life, etc. But I'm not always strong, and I am going to have bad days (like today), and I am going to cry over losing a baby. I am going to have times when I am angry when I don't understand how life works, and times when I am sad over what could have been.

I just wish I wouldn't have started to cry in the checkout line at Meijer.

Good Times

Last night was one of the best concerts that I have been to in a while. I haven't been a big follower of The Black Crowes and haven't listened to any of their new stuff, it was still a great show. I am not sure how we made it to the front with all of the angry people who were shoving us as we tried to get up there. I was holding my breath as I followed Mike, feeling the stares from pissed off people and trying to ignore the nasty comments. But the minute we found our friend Huss, the people around him were more than happy to make room for us at the front (thanks!). Awesome show--and the opening band, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, were unbelievably good (you need to check them out if you haven't heard them before).

A great way to end my weekend full of good times with family and friends!

Inspiration, Part 2

One of my favorite books is called the "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon. His famous last lecture was a huge hit on You Tube, and if I am not mistaken, one of the most watched videos. I haven't watched the video, but read his book and was so inspired by how he lived his life and the lessons he wanted to pass on to his kids. This book is amazing and teaches you how to not take your life for granted.

Randy Pausch died today at the age of 47 from pancreatic cancer.

Inspiring Professor Randy Pausch Dieshttp://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?cl=8977416

Inspiration

Have you ever felt so inspired by someone that you felt you had to share it with them? I did just that today.I wrote a letter to someone who has truly inspired me over the past couple months. It felt a little weird--sort of like I was an overenthusiastic fan ( I am praying that I didn't come across that way). But my heart felt really good afterward. I have written that letter in my mind a million times, and it felt good to actually write it out and then slip it into the mailbox. And yes, it was an actual letter, not an email, but don't get me started on that.

The Bikini Knitter

I know that I am not alone when I say that there are moments when I cannot stand my job. But, I have to say, my job frustration was put into check after watching "Ashley Paige-Bikini or Bust" on TLC. If you're not familiar with the show, Ashley Paige is a swimwear designer (is that the politically correct term?), and she has this ONE guy named Juan who makes bikinis by hand. BY HAND!!! And you know what? He loves his job. I mean , this guy sits in a little room all day long by himself and knits bikinis and he is soooo happy. Now, this shows me 2 things. #1--I am grateful that I have a job where I don't have to knit bikinis all day everyday. #2--I need to be happy with whatever I am doing job-wise.

I wonder how much a bikini knitter makes? LOL!

Quiet Saturday

This is how I spent my morning yesterday. Two of my favorite things in the world--coffee and books. I just sat on my couch and relaxed. The perfect morning...

Missing

I hate missing people. I feel so helpless and don't know what to do to stop that ache that sits right on my chest and weighs me down. I miss my grandparents---summer brings that out in me. I spent every summer and holiday of my life with them, and it makes me sad that they aren't here with me. I fear that I will stop remembering the small parts of them, like the way their voice sounded, the things they said, the way they walked into a room, etc.

I'm also missing my hubby and he's only gone for the weekend. Usually I enjoy the time alone (and getting the bed to myself), but this time I am missing him like crazy. It's funny how much you take for granted the one thing you have all the time! But I do appreciate him so much and love him more than anything. I'm willing to give up the whole bed for that....

Free Hugs

For some reason, in the middle of the night, I was thinking of this video that I saw on YouTube a while ago. It was entitled Free Hugs and it was about this guy, Juan Mann, who decided that it was going to be his sole purpose in life to reach out and hug a stranger to brighten their day. Ok, probably not something that I would do, but I think the meaning behind it is amazing. I think too many people have "ME Syndrome"--what about me, what are you going to do for me, it's all about me. What would happen if we were to take some time and not think about ourselves? I'm not saying go out and start hugging on strangers, because frankly, that might be a little weird. But what can we do throughout our day to make a neighbor's,a friend's, a relative's day a tad bit better?

Anyway, here's the video for Free Hugs--sorry, I can't link to it. You'll have to type in the address to see it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpzkHhgcZG4

Part of the reason that I started this blog was because I feel a unexplicable need in my heart and soul to write--it satisfies something within myself and gives me a sense of satisfaction and happiness that I cannot find otherwise. I have felt this way since I was little, and I think perhaps I will feel this way even when I am old. I have had journals for as long as I can remember, and this blog serves as another journal for me (just a more public one). Thank you for not laughing and critiquing my words!!

I have been thinking a lot about signs lately. Spiritual signs, that is! It's amazing what you see when you really open your eyes. I think that God is sending me signs, telling me that he is hearing me and walking with me everyday. I believe I am in the right place in my life for this to happen. I don't think that my 16 year old self, my 21 year old self, or even my 25 year old self was ready to walk down any kind of spiritual path, and now here I am, on the brink of 30 that I feel that I am in the perfect place to seek, to listen and to see.

So what kind of signs have I seen in my life? Well, first, the book "The Secret". This book has shown me the limitless possibilities of the universe (more importantly, GOD), and that I how I act, think and feel has a direct impact on what comes into my life. Secondly, Joel Osteen and his book "Daily Readings from Your Best Life Now". This book has made me see that GOD wants me to be happy, and that he has great plans for my life! Third, I stumbled upon Angie Smith's blog (Bring the Rain) when I was at a really low point in my life (my miscarriage), and I can't tell you how this has changed my outlook on all the bad things that have happened to me over the years. Finally, I have found some songs that have made me cry, and made me smile --"Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me and "Glory" by Selah (I first heard these on Angie's blog). GOD has brought these books, blogs and songs into my life because he knew that it is what I needed. I feel that this is truly GOD sending me signs that he is working in my life and that he hears me, even when I don't have the strength to speak outloud.

Bring the tissues

http://www.vimeo.com/951902

Not long after going through my miscarriage, stumbled across a blog (sorry, I don't remember which one) that was talking about this video about the Smith Family. I can't even begin to tell you how this family's story has changed my life and how it has impacted my relationship with God. I highly recommend that you watch, and don't forget the tissues, because you cannot watch it without crying. I hope it touches your life the way it has mine.

Credit: The Smith Family, Matthew Singleton, Cross Point Church

Blast from the Past

It is so strange how you can run into someone from your past, and all the memories from the past come rushing back to you. Now, these may not necessarily be good memories, but they definitely can take you back. This is what happened to me yesterday. There I am, at the hardware store of all places, minding my own business as I head out of the store, when I run into this guy I used to know ( I wouldn't really call him an ex-boyfriend, more like a ex-fling). Honestly, I thought he looked familiar, but when I heard the voice and saw him more up close, I think I must have instantly turned red. He said hi to me, and I casually said hi back and asked how he was , but not really stopping to talk. I just wanted to high-tail it out of there! By the way, he wasn't exactly as good looking as he used to be.

Needless to say, thinking about those old memories has given me a newfound appreciation and love for my husband. He is such an awesome guy and I love him more than anything. And I thank God that I ended up with him and not the ex-fling.

Not enough kindness

Have you noticed how nasty some people can be? Or maybe not even nasty, just not kind? Today at work, one of the associates needed a ride home from work and asked politely if someone could take her home. Do you think that anyone offered? Not a single one. All I heard were cop-outs and excuses. I would have given her a ride home except I was off at a different time than she was. Yet, I offered to ask around to see if someone could.

I was just appalled at the lack of kindness we show each other on a daily basis. I am not saying that we have to be sugary sweet to one another, but what's happened to being considerate of others, taking the time to really listen to what someone has to say, or helping out someone in need? Have we gotten so lazy and selfish that these have fallen by the wayside? Perhaps it is just the work environment that I am in--i work with a lot of gossipy, selfish, snotty people. I know that I can fall into the gossip trap myself sometimes, but I think that everyone needs to stop thinking about themselves ALL the time, and return to showing a little kindness to one another.

Overdrive

Do you ever have one of those days (maybe a week, or even a month) where you feel like you are living your life on overdrive? I feel like that is the story of my life lately. Actually, not my life, but my mind. I have been thinking of all the things that I have to do--clean my house, pay some bills, help Mike finish the deck, plan Mike's Birthday, go the grocery store, feel stressed about work, think about all the things that I want to do to the house. I am having a hard time slowing my mind down so that I can really concentrate on the spiritual side of myself. The side that is longing for growth.

I am sick of having my mind on overdrive. I want the lazy, summer Sunday afternoon drive kind of mind. I think I would feel a lot less tense and maybe could even manage to get something accomplished!