Thursday, January 8, 2009

Unloading

I wish I could just escape. Hope on a plane to somewhere warm and tropical. Lay on a beach all day long. Just get the heck out of here.

But unfortunately, taking a vacation doesn't mean that I could escape my thoughts and feelings, and that is what I really need a break from. Since Christmas ended, I've been thinking how fast time has been going by, and that very soon it will be February. February may not mean much to most people. To me, it's the symbol of sadness. February means it's been one year since I got pregnant. ONE YEAR.

I never imagined that I wouldn't be pregnant by now. I thought that after the miscarriage, we would take a few months off, but I was fooling myself. It took more than a few months for me to get over it. I'm FINALLY at a place where talking about it doesn't bother me, and I can think about it without crying. Yet, part of me is angry with myself for not getting to this place sooner. If I was ready to try again sooner, then it wouldn't almost be a year since I got pregnant. I know this sounds crazy and probably doesn't make sense. Half the time it doesn't make even make sense to me. I just have a huge problem with the timing of everything. I always have. I want things to happen when I want them to. Sadly, I know that life rarely works that way.

Now, I feel like another month is going to pass me by. I've been sick, and still am sick and the thought of even trying this month is making me exhausted. The whole emotional process of trying to have a baby is utterly exhausting. And for the people who say, "You just need to relax", you have NO IDEA what you are talking about.

I know that God has a huge and awesome plan for us. Most days, I'm excited for that. It gives me hope. Today, I'm having a hard time feelin' it.

8 comments:

Nicole M Wood said...

I never understand when people say you just need to relax. HOW DO YOU DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still praying for you.

Andrea said...

Without going into too much detail, I just want you to know that I so understand the pain of trying. So, so, so understand :-(

Don't rush yourself and most importantly don't be mad at yourself for not healing faster. Like you, I'm such a "time" person and that does nothing but put unnecessary stress on ourselves. I envision God saying "Please don't do that. I'm here to take your burdens...give them to me."

Ok, now I'm off to take my own advice.

Hang in there.

mrs.leah.maria said...

Oddly, I don't think it was confusing at all. I'm still praying for you my dear.

Jaime said...

I am praying for. It's ok that you have taken this long. You needed it. Just let God show you the way. It will happen. I pray for it to happen to you. I know there are many people praying for you. HUGS!!!

Kim said...

So Not confusing. not to me anyway, I definatly understand your struggle, and want you to know that I'm here if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or need an ear. I will continue to pray for you, I know God has an amazing plan for you and Mike.

Heather said...

Whoever says to someone trying to get pregnant "just relax" just needs to be hit over the head with something hard!!! :) I'm sorry, but it's true! That makes me SO MAD and it's on my list with about ten other things that people have said to me that made me want to crawl in bed and never come out again. (After hitting them over the head, of course!!)
Thanks for visiting my blog, Sarah, and please know I will be praying for you. It is SO HARD to wait on God's timing....but He will provide for you and you will rejoice so much when he does!!

Krysta said...

It's ok to have your "days" and it's ok to take as long as you think you need to heal. You know a vacation really won't let you escape your emotions and feelings, but it IS good for the soul! We took one a few months after our IVF failed and it really helped us reconnect and just take a break together. It wasn't in our budget at all, but we needed to do it for some sanity. It was the best thing we've ever done! I hope you are doing better and know that there are so many people praying for you.

Demetri and Sarah said...

I found you through a friend of a friends blog and I wanted to share that March will be 1 year since our miscarriage...Like you I wonder where the time went and how come I'm not pregnant yet. As much as I thought I was ready, I am now beginning to see that God knew I wasn't and has been using the non-functioning of my body to keep me waiting. it SUCKS, so don't think I'm at all okay with this plan, but I'm getting tired of fighting it :) So, be encouraged...you're so not alone in this.