I wish I could just escape. Hope on a plane to somewhere warm and tropical. Lay on a beach all day long. Just get the heck out of here.
But unfortunately, taking a vacation doesn't mean that I could escape my thoughts and feelings, and that is what I really need a break from. Since Christmas ended, I've been thinking how fast time has been going by, and that very soon it will be February. February may not mean much to most people. To me, it's the symbol of sadness. February means it's been one year since I got pregnant. ONE YEAR.
I never imagined that I wouldn't be pregnant by now. I thought that after the miscarriage, we would take a few months off, but I was fooling myself. It took more than a few months for me to get over it. I'm FINALLY at a place where talking about it doesn't bother me, and I can think about it without crying. Yet, part of me is angry with myself for not getting to this place sooner. If I was ready to try again sooner, then it wouldn't almost be a year since I got pregnant. I know this sounds crazy and probably doesn't make sense. Half the time it doesn't make even make sense to me. I just have a huge problem with the timing of everything. I always have. I want things to happen when I want them to. Sadly, I know that life rarely works that way.
Now, I feel like another month is going to pass me by. I've been sick, and still am sick and the thought of even trying this month is making me exhausted. The whole emotional process of trying to have a baby is utterly exhausting. And for the people who say, "You just need to relax", you have NO IDEA what you are talking about.
I know that God has a huge and awesome plan for us. Most days, I'm excited for that. It gives me hope. Today, I'm having a hard time feelin' it.